I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
