I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
A bitchslap is in order.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
