I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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