i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It's never too late to be topless.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
