my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
