New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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