He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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