He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
