I think im going to throw up on grandma
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I want to be your penis for a week.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
