just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
