happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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