If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
