you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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