What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
