I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
