dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
