theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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