Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
