I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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