Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
