just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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