he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
