i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
