i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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