You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
