you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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