i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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