You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
