I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this beer tastes like vomit already
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
