we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
