It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
