Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
