Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize