if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
