i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I FOUND THE LEGS
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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