i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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