Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I am spending my child support on dildos
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
