the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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