did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
