This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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