so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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