I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
