I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
