Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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