i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
