I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I AM VODKA MAN
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
