She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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