it hurts more in the daytime
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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