That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
