I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
