she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize