I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
