glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
