she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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