Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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