Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
