i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Randomize
